I sort of feel stuck. There's only a few months left of this year! Part of me is telling me to just suck it up and do what I've been doing. The other more sensible part of me is telling me that I need to make some drastic changes. If my study habits and habits in general stay this way, I'm sure it will carry on to next year and eventually into college. I predict a very unhappy college experience if that actually does happen.
I'm unsatisfied with a lot that is going on in my life and up to this point, I tried to leave most of the people I know out of it. But I can safely say now that no one I know will be able to escape my wrath because I feel that every single person is contributing to some degree the overall mood of this year.
Today was especially bad. Throughout this whole year, I told myself that I would NEVER cry at school. I have failed myself. I talked to my CC sponsor and I probably shouldn't have because I opened a gate and she pissed me off because I felt that she didn't understand where I was coming from. In other words, she wasn't understanding. It makes sense though; what teacher would just let you take steps to what seems like giving up? The whole ordeal was very embarassing. This conversation all took place in the hallway, which made it a lot more embarassing than it should have been. Some lady was also waiting to talk to my sponsor, so she was kind of watching me the whole time. o_O;; At Lowell, whenever you see someone cry, especially after talking to a teacher, it's assumed that the person is crying about their grades. I didn't want people to think that I was crying because of grades!
The worse part of all this was probably walking down to the bus stop with especially blurred vision (due to the tears) and then bumping into Douglas. -_- The last thing I wanted was to drag a friend into this, but of course, like all good friends do, gently coerced me into saying something.. anything. The bus was pretty awkward, too. People are not good at looking at me indirectly. It was so obvious that they were all thinking "what the fuck is wrong with her." It wasn't that painful, but it was painful to have to cut my tears short and sit quietly on the bus.
The humorous part of all this was that I could tell Douglas felt pretty awkward. Douglas = supposed robot, and he was trying to comfort me. haha. I'm grateful though. I've never talked to anyone in person, aside from my mom, about any of this crap. It would have probably been to my benefit if I finished the talk, but I ran for the bus instead.
An aside: ELIZA: thanks for helping me go to Kinkos, I would have been delirious if I had to bus to kinkos and do all that stuff today.
I'm unsatisfied with a lot that is going on in my life and up to this point, I tried to leave most of the people I know out of it. But I can safely say now that no one I know will be able to escape my wrath because I feel that every single person is contributing to some degree the overall mood of this year.
Today was especially bad. Throughout this whole year, I told myself that I would NEVER cry at school. I have failed myself. I talked to my CC sponsor and I probably shouldn't have because I opened a gate and she pissed me off because I felt that she didn't understand where I was coming from. In other words, she wasn't understanding. It makes sense though; what teacher would just let you take steps to what seems like giving up? The whole ordeal was very embarassing. This conversation all took place in the hallway, which made it a lot more embarassing than it should have been. Some lady was also waiting to talk to my sponsor, so she was kind of watching me the whole time. o_O;; At Lowell, whenever you see someone cry, especially after talking to a teacher, it's assumed that the person is crying about their grades. I didn't want people to think that I was crying because of grades!
The worse part of all this was probably walking down to the bus stop with especially blurred vision (due to the tears) and then bumping into Douglas. -_- The last thing I wanted was to drag a friend into this, but of course, like all good friends do, gently coerced me into saying something.. anything. The bus was pretty awkward, too. People are not good at looking at me indirectly. It was so obvious that they were all thinking "what the fuck is wrong with her." It wasn't that painful, but it was painful to have to cut my tears short and sit quietly on the bus.
The humorous part of all this was that I could tell Douglas felt pretty awkward. Douglas = supposed robot, and he was trying to comfort me. haha. I'm grateful though. I've never talked to anyone in person, aside from my mom, about any of this crap. It would have probably been to my benefit if I finished the talk, but I ran for the bus instead.
An aside: ELIZA: thanks for helping me go to Kinkos, I would have been delirious if I had to bus to kinkos and do all that stuff today.
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