i think i've finally came to the conlusion that i'm going to feel this way for a while. i think it's the point in my life where everything really is becoming black and white. There used to be some shades of gray but now it's just black and white. I've found that the only way you will get through life is to think.. every man for himself.. but if you think about it. it's such a selfish way to live. i know that i can't live that way. i feel that i live to help others.. in a way.. or that's how i want my life to be. i want to help people. i want to make them happy. maybe that's my problem there.. i sacrifice myself for others too much? but thinkin about myself too much is not even one bit as rewarding as making someone you care about happy. oh the dilemma.... heh. and right now i found a reason for my unhappiness. i feel like on of the people who kept me sane has left me.. or i've lost them. in reality i know i haven't, but it sure feels like it. well that doesn't matter.. time to figure out another facade to put up to hide how i really feel.