I discovered the hostile and competitive side of me recently... If I were another person that could read my thoughts, I'd probably come up to myself and sock me in the face. I think I've found a way to discourage myself though! All I need to do is bust out my PSAT score sheet, and that will make me abruptly run to the nearest corner and cry.

Although the roots of my competitive mind-set are uncertain, I have a feeling it's related to the fact that I have three older siblings to surpass in academics and eventually, in life. I'm fine with being below someone, but being under my friends is just something I cannot stand. It was such a bruise to my ego when I got my PSAT scores several months ago. I really want that National Merit Scholarship thing.. I just want it because I'm crazy okay?

My current abnormal behavior makes me consider how I actually have friends. I'm really not looking for the praise or pity here.. I'm actually wondering. I usually don't see my actions as good or something that causes pleasant effects.. it feels good to know that I have some profound difference in someone's life though. Haha.

I've always hated to admit that the level of one's success determines one's happiness, but it seems to hold true in my situation. I feel utterly miserable at the moment because I feel like such a nobody. I love hearing that I have high expectations from other people. The problem is that I only hear it from people outside of Lowell. That means, I'm freaking average at the damned school. I've blogged about it many times.. I just wish I was exceptional.. at something.. anything will do.

I feel really tired and dizzy. That must be a sign to sleep, but I don't FEEL like it. I cannot stop obsessing over my grades. a;lskfjdaskjlfdas;fkjasf.

Top on my hate list is..
STANDARDIZED TESTS. They are incredibly long and boring. I literally got more than 6 in a row wrong towards the end of one of the sections of the test. What a piece of shit.

Time to crawl into a hole and become unconscious.