Left out

I feel kind of out of place right now. For the past few hours I've been sitting on my leather computer chair thinking about where I belong in terms of cliques. As bad as it sounds to be in a clique, I realize now that I'm not close enough to any group of people to be considered a member of any group. It was a reality check for me when I found out that I wasn't invited to my friend Eric's 17th birthday party. Initially, I was really pissed off and hurt because I felt left out. After discussing the issue with CJ, I realized that I've been slowly left out of various events because I never have time. I refuted that with the fact that I've never missed a birthday celebration with the exception of Tammie's 16th while I was in China, but I know CJ's right. This only makes me feel discouraged. My shortcomings as a friend are become more obvious now. I let so many relationships fall apart. What the hell is the point of trying to build new relationships and make new friends if I can't hold on to the old ones? All it tells me is that I'm incompetent. I don't like feeling sorry for myself, but it seems to be a trend so far in these days of winterbreak.

You know who I really miss? Gary. I IMed him today, and I found myself nervous just typing to him. I guess that nervous feeling is still there to remind me of how I was before. But more than anything, I really miss talking to that guy. Out of all the friendships I let crumble, I have to say that this one wasn't entirely my fault. I don't blame him though. It was a gradual progression, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked. I tend to say that wrong things a lot of the time, and I think it happened a lot when I was talking to him. Argh. I feel like I'm missing out on my friendship with him because I don't go to Wash. Because of this one person, I would reconsider going to Wash instead of Lowell. That was a bit extreme, but I really really wish that we were on closer terms. If this pattern progresses, I won't even remember who he is in the future. Wait no, I will remember him, and he will forget me. hahahaha How can I ever forget this guy?

I'm usually not laughing or even smiling when I say hahahahahaha. Only sometimes. That is kinda sad.