Defiance

How often do you do things for yourself rather than to prove someone wrong or to beat someone at something? I've become too competitive these past few years, trying to get a higher grade than him, doing a more impressive project than her, writing a better essay than everyone else-- all the efforts were motivated by competition.

These days, I don't eat breakfast when my mom pisses me off in the morning, or I don't eat lunch because she expects me to stuff myself with bread soaked in ham juices that I don't even like. I do admit that I am very spoiled in that my parents cater to my needs. I actually have no defense for myself because I can't really complain when they make life so much easier for me.

Everything I do feels like it's to defy someone else. A lot of the time, I don't even know what I want anymore. Gov't? I want to get that A so I can be better than someone who is usually super smart AND because my teacher doesn't know my name. Econ? The pieces of shit that sit next to me are the slackers that don't do anything to learn, but they still just breeze by. I want to beat them. Calc? Well that's probably the only exception; I'm just trying not to fail his class.

I'm split into two different people. Not bipolar, just two sides to my thought processes. Part of me is the studious, self-sacrificing kind of person for all things school related. The other part of me wants to be able to do it all-- have a social life and get a 4.0 in school. I know I can't do both; I can't even do one of either. Yet I still go out when I know I shouldn't. I watch tv when I know I'm screwing msyelf over. I stay on the computer wehN i know I should be sleeping. I have no self control because there's something so satisfying about doing something that's bad for you. I feel like I'm defying logic and being a rebel because of all my self-destructing actions.

I have to do millions of pages of gov't outlining/reading now.