I woke up to a loud buzzing from G's phone last night. J**** A******(JA). His ex girl friend texting him at 3 am. She texted him asking him why he wasn't back home for the summer.
Am I crazy for being paranoid? How many times have we had the same fight? Every single week now?
Somehow, I woke up on the other side of the bed, to her text message and my heart started racing. I was tired; I always am these days from trying to balance three classes with plenty of group work, and... you. How was I supposed to react? My heart started racing and my body just went cold. I clung on to your arm shaking and told you that I can't keep doing this. You got angry at me, and I just took it. I always take your shit now. I've lost my nerve because of you.
After a moment of silence, I feel you drifting off to sleep and I asked you what you thought of the text message. You say 'I don't know.' Well, I knew you were lying. I quietly questioned you futher, which only enraged you more, causing you to grab your phone and text her (what you told me the next morning) "stop fucking texting me."
Your back hurt, so we switched sides of the bed. I lied awake with my back pressed against the wall because your body took up most of the bed. Looking at your dark figure without my glasses on, I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Tears began running uncontrollably down my face but you fell asleep. I cried for a long time before you woke up and realized it. Why don't you care about how I feel?
Later that night I felt the effects of food poisoning. I couldn't sleep until 5 am because every time I drank water my stomach would churn. But I couldn't sleep if I didn't drink water because I was so dehydrated. All I wanted was for you to comfort me, to baby me like a boyfriend should. But you didn't, and I still resent you for that.
The 7 am alarm rang, and I felt like I didn't sleep at all. My body felt weak and every turn of my body made my head spin. So you told me you would take care of me today and go into lab late. I really wanted to hear that, so it made me really happy. I told you thank you and that I love you and we both fell back asleep.
We wake up at 10:45 am, and we're both surprised at how fast the time passed. I told you I was starving and I would probably faint if I didn't eat anything. That made you feel guilty because you know that you were supposed to take care of me: you promised. You jumped out of bed and got dressed to go buy me food from the ghetto. But I was upset. I didn't want to be left alone and I definitely didn't want to eat oily food that gave me food poisoning in the first place. You were irritated because you were sleep deprived too, so you resentfully boiled me three eggs because I told you to.
You don't know how to boil eggs. I heard the hood turn on, so I went outside to see what was going on. You looked so annoyed because the eggs cracked. You dropped them in too hard and the water boiling on high cracked the fragile egg shells. I turned the burner on medium, and took off the pot lid so that the water wouldn't spill out. You knew I was right, but you sneered at me and pouted until I went back into bed.
The eggs you broght me were disgusting and rubbery. That's what happens when the shell cracks open. The inside is undercooked and the outside rubbery. Even though you want to be a doctor in the future, you really don't seem to know much about bacteria and infection. Old raw eggs tend to carry salmonella. That probably wouldn't be good for me since I already have food poisoning. But I ate one egg anyway because I didn't want you to get angry at me. That's how much I love you.
As I'm eating my egg, I see and hear you texting vigorously. I didn't really understand it, but I didn't want to annoy you with more questions. It was almost time for you to go to lab and for me to go to Haas to meet my group, but I couldn't help but ask you why you looked so upset. You said nothing, but that always means its something. And you told me that you felt bad about texting JA that angry text. So you sent her two texts today, apologizing and explaining what happened. I was upset. Why do you care so much? You told me to put myself in your situation. It wasn't hard. You were jealous of some of my other guy friends once upon a time, and I stopped talking to them. You didn't have to tell me to. I did it because I wanted to. Because I love you. Because I will always choose you over them.
But why don't you care about how I feel? Why are you so concerned with how JA would feel about the text when you are physically here to see me cry? Why do you care more about remaining friends with her when our relationship is slipping away? Why aren't you concerned about that? Why don't you apologize to me for texting her instead of apologizing to her for your impulsive text?
We both had to be somewhere. As usual we had to put our problems on hold, so that they never get resolved. We're obviously too busy for this relationship, so why are we still holding on?
We decided to be late this time so we could talk more. I asked you why our relationship dynamic is the way it is. I've read your emails and texts to JA, they're very nice. You're never that nice to me. You've never told me it was nice to hear my voice even though you say it to her. Maybe you just take me for granted. You scoffed at my comment and said "I wonder why." I said, "It must be me then."
I can't remember what happned after that, but I do know that you said you didn't want to give up on us. And you knew because every time I left for a trip, you really miss me. You get really sad and lonely, and want to see me. You even told me that every time you felt that way, you would tell yourself that you should be nicer to me when I came back. Maybe that's why it's always so nice to see you when I come back. But that never lasts, does it? It's funny to me that you need me to go away for you to realize how much you love me and need me. Because I always know it. I feel it every single day. I look at you when you fall asleep and think about how much I love you.
I want you to know that you should feel lucky to have me. I do everything I can for you. If you just look at how your GPA has gone up since you've dated me, and how mine has dropped dramatically, you can tell. I sacrifice everything for you, but you don't even see it. You told me you wanted me to stay in Berkeley this weekend, and so I did. But you're not here now. And warm tears have been rolling down my face since I started writing this post.
You make me feel badly about myself and I am getting tired of feeling this way.
You don't like it when I talk about Dubai, this guy that's in all my classes this summer. I ditched working on an assignment with him because you would have been angry. And today, when I rushed off to meet you, Dubai was telling me how ridiculous it is that you would get angry if I was a little late. He told me that I should be putting school first and staying at the computing center to print out my articles instead of meeting you. I knew he was right, but I ignored him. Now he thinks I'm that kind of girl. That girl that is obsessed with my boyfriend. I guess he's right. I put you first. You should know that. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everyone knows it. Everyone can see it but you. Everyone gives me crap about it, but you don't even appreciate it. Maybe you will when this is over. I don't know when it will be over. Maybe if I find another text from her. I can't keep brusing my ego for you. I have too much pride and I deserve much more than this.
Why don't you care about how I feel? I am miserable. With and without you.
Am I crazy for being paranoid? How many times have we had the same fight? Every single week now?
Somehow, I woke up on the other side of the bed, to her text message and my heart started racing. I was tired; I always am these days from trying to balance three classes with plenty of group work, and... you. How was I supposed to react? My heart started racing and my body just went cold. I clung on to your arm shaking and told you that I can't keep doing this. You got angry at me, and I just took it. I always take your shit now. I've lost my nerve because of you.
After a moment of silence, I feel you drifting off to sleep and I asked you what you thought of the text message. You say 'I don't know.' Well, I knew you were lying. I quietly questioned you futher, which only enraged you more, causing you to grab your phone and text her (what you told me the next morning) "stop fucking texting me."
Your back hurt, so we switched sides of the bed. I lied awake with my back pressed against the wall because your body took up most of the bed. Looking at your dark figure without my glasses on, I felt like I didn't know you anymore. Tears began running uncontrollably down my face but you fell asleep. I cried for a long time before you woke up and realized it. Why don't you care about how I feel?
Later that night I felt the effects of food poisoning. I couldn't sleep until 5 am because every time I drank water my stomach would churn. But I couldn't sleep if I didn't drink water because I was so dehydrated. All I wanted was for you to comfort me, to baby me like a boyfriend should. But you didn't, and I still resent you for that.
The 7 am alarm rang, and I felt like I didn't sleep at all. My body felt weak and every turn of my body made my head spin. So you told me you would take care of me today and go into lab late. I really wanted to hear that, so it made me really happy. I told you thank you and that I love you and we both fell back asleep.
We wake up at 10:45 am, and we're both surprised at how fast the time passed. I told you I was starving and I would probably faint if I didn't eat anything. That made you feel guilty because you know that you were supposed to take care of me: you promised. You jumped out of bed and got dressed to go buy me food from the ghetto. But I was upset. I didn't want to be left alone and I definitely didn't want to eat oily food that gave me food poisoning in the first place. You were irritated because you were sleep deprived too, so you resentfully boiled me three eggs because I told you to.
You don't know how to boil eggs. I heard the hood turn on, so I went outside to see what was going on. You looked so annoyed because the eggs cracked. You dropped them in too hard and the water boiling on high cracked the fragile egg shells. I turned the burner on medium, and took off the pot lid so that the water wouldn't spill out. You knew I was right, but you sneered at me and pouted until I went back into bed.
The eggs you broght me were disgusting and rubbery. That's what happens when the shell cracks open. The inside is undercooked and the outside rubbery. Even though you want to be a doctor in the future, you really don't seem to know much about bacteria and infection. Old raw eggs tend to carry salmonella. That probably wouldn't be good for me since I already have food poisoning. But I ate one egg anyway because I didn't want you to get angry at me. That's how much I love you.
As I'm eating my egg, I see and hear you texting vigorously. I didn't really understand it, but I didn't want to annoy you with more questions. It was almost time for you to go to lab and for me to go to Haas to meet my group, but I couldn't help but ask you why you looked so upset. You said nothing, but that always means its something. And you told me that you felt bad about texting JA that angry text. So you sent her two texts today, apologizing and explaining what happened. I was upset. Why do you care so much? You told me to put myself in your situation. It wasn't hard. You were jealous of some of my other guy friends once upon a time, and I stopped talking to them. You didn't have to tell me to. I did it because I wanted to. Because I love you. Because I will always choose you over them.
But why don't you care about how I feel? Why are you so concerned with how JA would feel about the text when you are physically here to see me cry? Why do you care more about remaining friends with her when our relationship is slipping away? Why aren't you concerned about that? Why don't you apologize to me for texting her instead of apologizing to her for your impulsive text?
We both had to be somewhere. As usual we had to put our problems on hold, so that they never get resolved. We're obviously too busy for this relationship, so why are we still holding on?
We decided to be late this time so we could talk more. I asked you why our relationship dynamic is the way it is. I've read your emails and texts to JA, they're very nice. You're never that nice to me. You've never told me it was nice to hear my voice even though you say it to her. Maybe you just take me for granted. You scoffed at my comment and said "I wonder why." I said, "It must be me then."
I can't remember what happned after that, but I do know that you said you didn't want to give up on us. And you knew because every time I left for a trip, you really miss me. You get really sad and lonely, and want to see me. You even told me that every time you felt that way, you would tell yourself that you should be nicer to me when I came back. Maybe that's why it's always so nice to see you when I come back. But that never lasts, does it? It's funny to me that you need me to go away for you to realize how much you love me and need me. Because I always know it. I feel it every single day. I look at you when you fall asleep and think about how much I love you.
I want you to know that you should feel lucky to have me. I do everything I can for you. If you just look at how your GPA has gone up since you've dated me, and how mine has dropped dramatically, you can tell. I sacrifice everything for you, but you don't even see it. You told me you wanted me to stay in Berkeley this weekend, and so I did. But you're not here now. And warm tears have been rolling down my face since I started writing this post.
You make me feel badly about myself and I am getting tired of feeling this way.
You don't like it when I talk about Dubai, this guy that's in all my classes this summer. I ditched working on an assignment with him because you would have been angry. And today, when I rushed off to meet you, Dubai was telling me how ridiculous it is that you would get angry if I was a little late. He told me that I should be putting school first and staying at the computing center to print out my articles instead of meeting you. I knew he was right, but I ignored him. Now he thinks I'm that kind of girl. That girl that is obsessed with my boyfriend. I guess he's right. I put you first. You should know that. I know I shouldn't but I do. Everyone knows it. Everyone can see it but you. Everyone gives me crap about it, but you don't even appreciate it. Maybe you will when this is over. I don't know when it will be over. Maybe if I find another text from her. I can't keep brusing my ego for you. I have too much pride and I deserve much more than this.
Why don't you care about how I feel? I am miserable. With and without you.
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