I Need a Tune Up

I need to re-learn the social skills you develope in elementary school, like making friends, talking to people, and being nice. Maybe because my mind was pure in those days, I wasn't capable of thinking the negative thoughts that are constantly going through my head. Why is it that as a person, I always think of a slightly negative comment before I can actually think of encouragement? For example, I can remember a few times when people tell me that they failed a test or some other academic related tragedy.. and I would actually think to myself, hah whatever stop complaining, it's not going to kill your grade; either that, or I think WOW that shit is hella easy, I can't believe you failed it. I'm not cruel enough to think that I am any better than them, but thinking all those things and not saying them makes me reconsider my own character. Do all humans tend to think millions of evil thoughts, but the sensitive and compassionate side of their brain stops them before they say something mean and stupid? There are only a handful of occasions when I was completely happy for someone else, without an ounce of jealousy. Every other time was filled with, "damn, I can't believe I missed that chance, or dude, she doesn't deserve that, I do." Well, I don't actually think of those sentences in my head most of the time, but you guys get the main idea of it.

I think this is were the survival of the fittest comes into play a little. How can you be happy for someone that is in competition with you? If you think about it, everyone except your family can be competition in life. That sucks.

Alot of the time, I just want a companion to do everything with. A good friend that I trust, and won't get annoyed of, that I can see every single day at school. It really sucks that my schedule will never mesh with Eliza's. I haven't seen her all week, and she's one of the few people who I can stand to see for more than just an hour or so a day.

This year started off extremely indifferently. I feel like I left beind a great year, only to meet a mortifyingly boring new year.


In the last 15 minutes, I've felt happy, sad, and angry. How does that work? -_- I decided that I wanted to write about how I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps these past few days, but it took the applet a long time to load.. so then I did some math homework, and it made me happy to know that i understand the material lately. Then I think about school, and how this girl in my class said to this other girl that it isn't very hard to get into UC Davis, and that it means nothing if you get in. I am very proud of my brothers. I bet that fucking bitch won't get a job even half decent compared to Ninhs. Bitch. I don't understand how the Davis acceptance rate is 60%. When I looked that up, I didn't believe it. My brothers all got at least 1210 on their SATs and crap.. uGH. I'm tired of having to think ahead. I want to live in the moment.. but then again the moment isn't too great for me.

I only want to see two people right now, and that's Eliza and Tracy. a;slkfj;alskjfsa It fucking SUCKS ASS man. I don't want to go to school 2m because I don't feel like facing anyone. It's ironic though that I don't want to go to school even though I will have all my homework done by 2m. I only have one math assignment left to do.

I haven't seen Gary for months. I'm always wondering how he's doing. I'm lying when I say I don't care. But I'm sure all of you already knew that. I just needed to lie to myself for a while to get through that particular stage of my life. I really hope he does well in the future. He could achieve alot if he actually tried in school.

I've decided that I really want to take Rotter again for Chem next semester, not because she's easy or hard or whatever.. but I really like her as a person. I feel like I can probably talk to her about all kinds of crap and she'd still be willing to talk about it. I had a pretty long conversation with her today about college and the APs and stuff like that. She is an amazing person. Man, I would totally aim to be like her academically.. except it's not even possible here in SF. She was in a program to skip 10th grade and start taking AP classes right after middle school. Just think... the freshman now are so damn stupid. You have to give her props for being so smart and stuff.

I think I want to stop going to GSA.. I don't know what it is.. maybe it's the people... maybe whatever.. but I don't ever want to go anymore. I want to go to all the allies trainings but I don't want to be there and face those people that I don't know and don't want to care about. The only people I care about are Jack, Jeannette, Hannah, and Ms. Blinick. The rest of them can go shove their feet in their mouths because they do not make me happy. I've changed from loving GSA last year... to dreading it this school year. I've changed.

and I hate change.