Passion, I want it

What inspires me the most, or envokes the most emotions in me, are another person's feelings expressed in their own ways. For example, a book or a movie that ends almost abruptly, allowing you to finish the story yourself, with your own interpretation of the story.

I either re read, or read for the first time (I can't even remember anymore) the Notebook by Nicholas Sparks today and yesterday night. Around noon, I watched Infernal Affairs, the first one. Both stories leave you hanging, but in a wonderful way. The creators are geniuses.

The Notebook is about love. Love that everyone would want to have, but probably will never find. I'm not even being pessimistic here, just realistic. I'm not so much feeling bitter about never being able to find that amazing everlasting love.. but more that my feelings have never been consistant for anything or anyone.

Maybe I'm trying to grow up too fast, but I just want to find something that I won't despise in a few weeks or months. Thinking back to all the things that I've loved in the past, like taking pictures, and listening to rock music or Chinese music. All my interests in those things have faded away. I have all these little obsessions, and they all end too soon. The same applies to new friends, or maybe even friends in general. I jump head first into so many things, and convince myself that what I have is so wonderful. It just seems that a week or two later, I realize things that I was too blind to realize until the obession has died down. How many times have I constantly talked about a friend I recently got close to, and given you the impression that I am obsessed with the person? It's been too often, and in the end, I feel pathetic.

I feel pathetic for reasons maybe you don't really understand.. Maybe you do. But who am I to know?

My gut feeling tells me that many people my age, maybe slightly older, go through the same things that I do. Everyone wants to find a purpose to everything. I'm not unique in anyway. But if this is true, why is it that I feel alone all the time? It must be that deep down, I am egotistical.. and I actually believe that I am different than others. Which is it?

I wish I could fastforward time, to see how I turn out. I know that I won't be friends with many of my friends now. In fact, I have a feeling that I won't even have many friends in the future. It sucks to think that our friendship now, is going to end. But don't think that it was wasted. I don't think anything that taught you something once-upon-a-time is truly a waste. Everything has a purpose, I just want to find mine.

I don't know why, but this one song that everyone sang during the song and praise part of Vincent's Church's thing has been totally stuck in my head.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When i walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

"I Can Only Imagine"-- Simple message, but so much more complex than what the words say. Theres something about the song too. I don't even know.. But I can't stop listening to it.