Vulnerable
I used to think that I was stronger than this.
After my English Recitation final, I felt like I was going to cry. Hell I was going to cry, except I wasn't alone. The one thing I hate the most is when I study my ass off, working really hard, and then choking, throwing all those hours away in less than five minutes. No, this isn't going to make me get a C or whatever, but I did lose my one last chance to get an A in English. None of this is about pleasing my parents, or even about college. I've figured out that my confidence usually comes from things like grades. I've been one of those people who can always just get along in school even if I don't study for every little thing.. so when I fail after trying real hard, I feel discouraged.
I officially hate the people who do not work hard and still manage to get good grades. It's not fair how not everyone can be as good as someone else. At this point in our lives, we've gone too far with our own backgrounds to change the fundamentals of ourselves. There's no going back, and I think this is why people fail.
On the days that I feel the crappiest, I find myself blaming my parents. For what? I guess I blame them for not speaking English, or being parents that can't help me with my homework and projects. But wth? I am such an ass. I should fucking blame them for raising me, feeding me, working their asses off to get me countless material items, and loving me. I am such a fucking piece of shit.
What also pissed me off today was how I was surrounded by friends, but I couldn't tell this to anyone.
I was eating dinner while writing this entry, and I'm not even half way done eating.. but I no longer feel hungry. This is a start of another "8th grade year" where I was never hungry and basically ate one meal a day. woohoo. Someone stab me now.
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I just killed an ant and took a minute to consider the life of an ant. I do believe that an ant has complex emotions like us humans. I'm not cocky enough to believe that we are the superior beings here. Anyway.. in one second, I killed the ant. I wonder how long that ant lived, or how it could live, knowing that it could die any second/ every second that he is alive. Is that a good thing? I mean.. is it a good thing that your life can end that fast? Who cares if you fail, if you're probably going to die today, or the next day. At the same time, I think death is devastating.. only because people around me (that I have direct contact with) don't drop dead every two seconds. Like back when the black plague was killing off everyone.. I wonder how they felt living when everyone around them was dying. Would you be used to death? Is death something you can get used to? Probably.. You can get used to the idea of everything if you're given enough time. The catch is that you don't have to agree with the idea, just accept the actuality of things.
I no longer have the energy to be angry. This is truly the point of no return. We'll see how the day goes 2m.
After my English Recitation final, I felt like I was going to cry. Hell I was going to cry, except I wasn't alone. The one thing I hate the most is when I study my ass off, working really hard, and then choking, throwing all those hours away in less than five minutes. No, this isn't going to make me get a C or whatever, but I did lose my one last chance to get an A in English. None of this is about pleasing my parents, or even about college. I've figured out that my confidence usually comes from things like grades. I've been one of those people who can always just get along in school even if I don't study for every little thing.. so when I fail after trying real hard, I feel discouraged.
I officially hate the people who do not work hard and still manage to get good grades. It's not fair how not everyone can be as good as someone else. At this point in our lives, we've gone too far with our own backgrounds to change the fundamentals of ourselves. There's no going back, and I think this is why people fail.
On the days that I feel the crappiest, I find myself blaming my parents. For what? I guess I blame them for not speaking English, or being parents that can't help me with my homework and projects. But wth? I am such an ass. I should fucking blame them for raising me, feeding me, working their asses off to get me countless material items, and loving me. I am such a fucking piece of shit.
What also pissed me off today was how I was surrounded by friends, but I couldn't tell this to anyone.
I was eating dinner while writing this entry, and I'm not even half way done eating.. but I no longer feel hungry. This is a start of another "8th grade year" where I was never hungry and basically ate one meal a day. woohoo. Someone stab me now.
--------------------------------
I just killed an ant and took a minute to consider the life of an ant. I do believe that an ant has complex emotions like us humans. I'm not cocky enough to believe that we are the superior beings here. Anyway.. in one second, I killed the ant. I wonder how long that ant lived, or how it could live, knowing that it could die any second/ every second that he is alive. Is that a good thing? I mean.. is it a good thing that your life can end that fast? Who cares if you fail, if you're probably going to die today, or the next day. At the same time, I think death is devastating.. only because people around me (that I have direct contact with) don't drop dead every two seconds. Like back when the black plague was killing off everyone.. I wonder how they felt living when everyone around them was dying. Would you be used to death? Is death something you can get used to? Probably.. You can get used to the idea of everything if you're given enough time. The catch is that you don't have to agree with the idea, just accept the actuality of things.
I no longer have the energy to be angry. This is truly the point of no return. We'll see how the day goes 2m.
1 Comments:
i feel bad cause i never ever work hard haha. but somehow, i manage to do fairly well. remember! all you're studying will pay off. busting your butt over studying and homework will reward you in the long run. you know that. DON'T LOSE FAITH ANNA. stay strong buddy :]
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