I just re read my last entry and it's funny how some things still haven't changed. In fact nothing has really changed or improved in my relationship. I guess I consider change to be synonymous with improved.

G said something the other day that I remembered. My room is like a sanctuary for the both of us. As long as we are in my room, with MooMoo, the embodiment of all that was right, happy, and good in our relationship, we would always be together. But its when we venture out into the cold, challenging world that our relationship is put to the test. So far it hasn't faired well, but here we are, after 9 months, still holding on.

10 more days until 10 months. Why are we still together I wonder to myself every day. Because what I choose to remember is those times when we are alone together being silly and happy little kids in my room. Me laughing at you for eating TWICE as much food as I am and then falling asleep despite your claim of studying. I always let those things slide when we're there together, just the two of us. But if it happens any where else, it always ends in disaster.

I said last time that I was always the one that held on. I wish he would know that the strength for me to hold on is gone or slowly disappearing.

Let's see how this goes.

JA has a new boyfriend and G was very upset when he found out. But nothing, not even our most violent arguments would cause him to feel as upset as he was the other night, because of her. Things like that honestly just slowly kill me inside. Slowly slowly I am just dying inside, but I have no idea why I keep doing this to myself. I am at his apartment, in his room typing about how he is causing me to shut down emotionally. Life is just ironic like that, but if I have no solution, I just choose inaction.

I want courtship. I want a knight. It was my mistake in the beginning of this relationship not to set those high standards. I will for the next one. I think I deserve and can find a knight; he doesn't even need to be in shining armor.