I went into the school year with the "I'll do whatever it takes to achieve my goals" mindset this year, and I think I mangaged fairly well for about half a semester. Simply put, I'm burnt out and I crashed really hard over the past two weeks or so. I was absent for two days last week, and it was partly because I felt physically ill, but I think my emotional state was the main source of my physical ailment.

Honestly, I think I hold out pretty well around other people. I can' put on the everything is okay face at school and for the most part, as I'm learning (I really love the learning part of school), I can really push away all the negative emotions lingering in my mind.

I'm not sure why, but I feel like I have to come clean with myself by writing in this blog. It's a stupid way to alleviate my distresses, but I'm willing to do anything to help myself at this point.

As I'm typing this, trying to find a way to transition to a paragraph to explain myself, I feel really ashamed of how I delt/am still dealing with my own problems. I don't think I can even come out and say it. But I can say that I love my mom and dad more than they will ever know, and that I appreciate how much they have to sacrifice to keep me happy and healthy. My parents deserve much better than a child like me, and I often take them for granted. But I will redeem myself in the future, I promise.

I've reached a defining point in my life where I realize that this is my own struggle. Friends are kind of in the background of my life now, and they can't help me any more than they can help me.

I've decided that I care more about my happiness than a meaningless grade. It's not worth anything if I can't be happy about my own achievements. People told me that all the time, but I thought that I was super woman, capable of persevering in spite of constant struggles. I'm not invincible; I need rest and happiness to function. I have the rest of my life to bust my ass and sacrifice for school, but highschool isn't worth it. Physics class without a teacher isn't worth it. Precalc isn't worth it. I just have to work hard and hope for the best.

You always hear from teachers and adults that there's more to life than grades and academics, but why don't they prove that to us? I need reassurance that I'm making the right decision.

I had to leave you guys hanging. I don't want to look back and be able to document my own failures.. Or I'm just not ready yet.