Turbulent Stream of Conciousness, except kind of orderly

I've been waiting for my emotions to step in and beat me down for the longest time, and it has finally come. I think I stayed relatively motivated by school for about a trimester and a half, but now it's getting really hard to ignore how I feel and keep me from doing what's necessary.

I really wish I was capable of both, simultaneously, but I'm not. I'm having one of those really horrible days where I realize so many of my flaws. Yeah yeah, flaws define you and people who really care about you like you in spite (or sometimes because) of your flaws. I think I feel too shitty to even try to believe that bullshit that I tend to tell other people. Well, it's not complete bullshit. I do believe in it to some extent, but it's hard to stay optimistic.

How often do I tell other people to hold their heads up and don't let the small things affect their happiness? I swear I honestly believe that another person can feel better if they do that, but it doesn't even work for me. Bashing another person doesn't make me feel better either. I wallow in my misery and focus on the bad all the time. I analyze myself and I replay my day’s actions before I go to sleep. I'm also not the person that can help themselves. I need to be pushed most of the time, and I can't ever push myself to do what's best for me. I'm good at putting other people first if I feel like they deserve it, but I've actually become more selfish this year. Yay or nay? It's hard to say. Selfishness always comes at the expense of another person.

I hate when my anger turns a room silent. During that silence, all I can think about is how I fucked up the mood, but at the same time, I feel delusional from the anger. I experience emotions on the opposite sides of the spectrum. The in betweens will always be exaggerated to the nearest ends. What I hate even more is the tendency for people to talk about those things after the person leaves. I do it ALL the time, and I don't even know why. I really wish I could stop doing all the things I hate, but while I'm doing them, I don't realize that I hate it.

I'm not a priss and it bugs me when people aren't willing to get dirt under their finger nails to get the job done. People act as if you can't wash away the smell of garbage or kill the bacteria that might come from picking up garbage. I think that prissy attitude develops at home when a mother or father caters to their child since birth. Admittedly, my parents cater to me now, but I wasn't treated as well as I'm treated now. I guess I have an old school mindset, but I think the people that deserve the most credit are the people who have to do the dirty work for human survival. Think back to the more primitive days, the most useful people were the ones who killed animals and grew crops for food.

I constantly want to be left alone, but I don't want to feel lonely. This feeling is unbearable sometimes and it makes it hard for me to concentrate on school.

I'm a transient person, but I think it's because I'm still trying to figure myself out. I remember at the beginning of the school year, I really wanted to change the way I dressed so I wouldn't look like such a bum. But that desire eventually faded away, and I no longer care for shopping. In a way, I'm jealous of people who are really into their looks, because at least they can stick to an interest. I'm afraid of the future because I don't know if I can stay interested in my future husband, my kids, or my career.

I love how all my insecurities come out at once and overwhelm me. Life is really unfair that way I suppose. I feel like I can't do anything right now except for cry. But I'm not going to be weak this week and let myself do it. Maybe I should just sleep, but then again I would be wasting precious homework time.

Blogging doesn't alleviate my angst the way it used to. I used to genuinely pour my heart and soul into this blog, but now I can't do it even if I tried. There's too much that I want to release at one time, but it kind of becomes jammed since my thoughts and emotions are all fighting to get out.

People make a lot of mistakes, and sometimes I take too long to forgive. I want to be the kind of person that doesn't just say it's okay when it's not, but I can't help but be polite. Even if the person did something that really angered me, I can't show them the same kind of disregard and not accept their apology. Part of me also hopes that by forgiving someone out loud, I can also convince myself that they deserve to be forgiven.

It makes me wonder how often I do things unintentionally to anger someone. I think about that a lot actually.

I look around my room for comfort from all my material possessions, but they have no effect on me. I'm really afraid that a lot of people I know read my blog. I feel naked right now, but there's also a satisfying feeling about exposing myself.

Set expectations, and you always feel let down. But I don't think I even know when I have serious expectations. How do you not develop expectations from friends? How come people are so oblivious as to how their actions affect others? If you're my friend, you rescue me, not kick me down even more. I forgive faster than most people, but I don't forget. I have a great memory for bad memories.

Generally, I still don't feel comfortable around anybody. I want to feel good about myself, damn it. Why is it so hard to be confident in life?

I hate knowing that I'm not good enough for everything that I want to do. I love my friends for telling me that I can do whatever I want to, but it doesn't hurt to be realistic sometimes.

I honestly do not feel happy right now. Okay I'm going to end this because it will never end.
(I wanted to see how long this entry is, so I pasted it on ms word and it's about two pages, not double spaced, in size twelve times new roman)