the one foot tall fortress
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I think crying is a sign of weakness. Yet, I'm not going to lie about it, I cry a lot these days. For the last few weeks, I've had to cry at least once a week to feel somehow relieved of all the stress that I put myself through. Today was definitely a breaking point though. Fed up with my parent's constant tardiness, I prepared myself, while waiting for them to pick me up, for a large-scale bitch/rant. My dad, who is constantly late for every single important and unimportant event in his life, came fifteen minutes late to pick me up for a doctors appointment. I was pissed. It has been a way too consistant trend for him to lie to me and tell me he's coming to pick me up when he's actually still doing something else. Over the last two weeks, he's been committing the same crime over and over again. One or two times is acceptable, but more than that and I can't hold my tongue any longer.
I'd like to think that I've built a type of shield around me so that other people can't see how weak I really am. I'm sure a lot of people don't realize how I've been feeling, and it's simply because I haven't talked to anyone about it. I purposely built a short fortress around me this year hoping that it would be enough to keep me safe. But surely enough, a one foot tall fortress is not tall and sturdy enough to keep out the intruders.
Just a few minutes ago, my mom comes into my room to hound me about doing Chinese homework. Honestly, after a long week filled with tests and other sources of stress, I don't want to do any work, let alone Chinese homework that is completely useless anyway. I told my mom a few weeks ago that Roxana isn't coming to Chinese school as much for some reason. Today, she says that I'm only trying to be like my friend. FUCK THAT. I hate when my mom compares me to other people. She truly does not understand that I don't do things just because other people do it. I need a hell of a lot better reason to jump off a cliff than just because all my friends are doing it. Why does it seem like my mom is more concerned about me following trends than I am? It really hurts to know that your mother doesn't understand a cruial part of your personality.
I respond with hostility. In Chinese, I scream at her explaining to her that she cannot compare me to someone just like that. I told her that she doesn't understand anything in my life, but she insisted that she did. I grew angry and all the upset feelings accumulated throughout the weeks, maybe even years, finally burst and splattered on me in the form of tears.
My mom kept insisting that she understood me and the fact that I'm always stressed out. She inisisted that she knows what I'm going through and that she does everything in her power to try to help me. Somehow, I don't feel any of the good effects that should be resulting from her efforts.
So because of my weakness, I bursted into hysterical sobs. I think I cried for a good 10 minutes at least. Like a delirious person, I screamed that my parents don't understand how much pressure I feel that I'm under. My mom constantly tells me that I don't need to do as well as my brother Henry. Does she realize that those words alone make me want to beat him just that much more? My mom also says that girls are naturally not as smart as boys. I told her that that statement further agitates me. I know my mom doesn't want to see me upset all the time, but she really doesn't know the right things to say to comfort me. If anything, her attempts seem to bolster my anger.
After I calmed down a bit, my mom said she regrets saying anything to me tonight because I got so upset over it. That's another blow to me. At that very moment, I felt as though my mother really lacked the ability to connect with me emotionally. She and I are from totally different worlds. I don't understand how she can willingly submit herself to the traditonal views of women. Furthermore, how can she expect her American-born daughter to be the same way? I hate being underestimated and being told that I can't do it. The more my parents tell me that I don't need to be as smart as my brother, the more they're forcing me to push myself even harder. They don't know that they're unintentionally hurting me though.
I regret letting my mom know that I'm not doing so great. It's very uncharacteristic for a Chinese family to express their feelings. I think I broke an unwritten law, and it honestly feels like shit. You know what also feels like shit? When your mom wants to leave you alone when you're crying instead of trying to hug you and comfort you. Chinese families. You gotta love that.
I feel dead inside and out.
I'd like to think that I've built a type of shield around me so that other people can't see how weak I really am. I'm sure a lot of people don't realize how I've been feeling, and it's simply because I haven't talked to anyone about it. I purposely built a short fortress around me this year hoping that it would be enough to keep me safe. But surely enough, a one foot tall fortress is not tall and sturdy enough to keep out the intruders.
Just a few minutes ago, my mom comes into my room to hound me about doing Chinese homework. Honestly, after a long week filled with tests and other sources of stress, I don't want to do any work, let alone Chinese homework that is completely useless anyway. I told my mom a few weeks ago that Roxana isn't coming to Chinese school as much for some reason. Today, she says that I'm only trying to be like my friend. FUCK THAT. I hate when my mom compares me to other people. She truly does not understand that I don't do things just because other people do it. I need a hell of a lot better reason to jump off a cliff than just because all my friends are doing it. Why does it seem like my mom is more concerned about me following trends than I am? It really hurts to know that your mother doesn't understand a cruial part of your personality.
I respond with hostility. In Chinese, I scream at her explaining to her that she cannot compare me to someone just like that. I told her that she doesn't understand anything in my life, but she insisted that she did. I grew angry and all the upset feelings accumulated throughout the weeks, maybe even years, finally burst and splattered on me in the form of tears.
My mom kept insisting that she understood me and the fact that I'm always stressed out. She inisisted that she knows what I'm going through and that she does everything in her power to try to help me. Somehow, I don't feel any of the good effects that should be resulting from her efforts.
So because of my weakness, I bursted into hysterical sobs. I think I cried for a good 10 minutes at least. Like a delirious person, I screamed that my parents don't understand how much pressure I feel that I'm under. My mom constantly tells me that I don't need to do as well as my brother Henry. Does she realize that those words alone make me want to beat him just that much more? My mom also says that girls are naturally not as smart as boys. I told her that that statement further agitates me. I know my mom doesn't want to see me upset all the time, but she really doesn't know the right things to say to comfort me. If anything, her attempts seem to bolster my anger.
After I calmed down a bit, my mom said she regrets saying anything to me tonight because I got so upset over it. That's another blow to me. At that very moment, I felt as though my mother really lacked the ability to connect with me emotionally. She and I are from totally different worlds. I don't understand how she can willingly submit herself to the traditonal views of women. Furthermore, how can she expect her American-born daughter to be the same way? I hate being underestimated and being told that I can't do it. The more my parents tell me that I don't need to be as smart as my brother, the more they're forcing me to push myself even harder. They don't know that they're unintentionally hurting me though.
I regret letting my mom know that I'm not doing so great. It's very uncharacteristic for a Chinese family to express their feelings. I think I broke an unwritten law, and it honestly feels like shit. You know what also feels like shit? When your mom wants to leave you alone when you're crying instead of trying to hug you and comfort you. Chinese families. You gotta love that.
I feel dead inside and out.
1 Comments:
talk to her. tell her how you feel. how what she says makes you feel. i guess it's kind of an asian thing. no communication and that crap. but i think you should try. it's a lot better than keeping them at a distance. if you need to talk i'm just a phonecall IM or email away.
<< Home