RT #13
Part of me really admires those bold ass people that literally type whatever they feel in their blogs. I definitely don't do that, and I feel like this will be a false account of my life when I reread it later on in life. But damn, I wish I could be bold.
I've been really angry this year, I'm sure everyone knows that by now. It's strange because everything about this year is a blur to me. The routine is basically stres out, get pissed, finally do the shit that needs to get done, go to sleep, go to school, and come home to repeat the same process. I'm giving it a negative spin because I'm in a negative kinda mood, so yeah. But my point is that I don't remember how I FEEL except angry, and I'm just using angry as an arbitrary word to describe all the crap I've felt this year.
How do people type pages of stuff in their journals? I used to do it! Maybe that's why I feel like there's nothing to say; there's nothing new to say.
I don't like it when my friends make fun of me about being a nerd. I know they don't mean anything when they say it, but it just reminds me how much I'm giving up to achieve academic success.
Life or schoo. Why does it have to be one or the other?
I'll answer that for you. Because I'm inadequate. Anyone can spend all their time on ONE thing and do well in that aspect, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Busting my ass off in school and letting my life skills degenerate. I didn't think it was possible to degress as a person, but I honestly think that I have.
My people skills are crazy. I don't hesistate to show people that they're annoying me as much as I used to. Aditi asked me for a Icebreaker before US, and because EVERYONE asked me that day, I flung the container at her and said I'm stressed out and I need to concentrate on whatever it was that I was doing at the time. The next day, she asked me if I was okay. Great. I gave her a reason to be moderately concerned about me. But even worse, I gave her a reason to label me based on a stupid impulse.
I cry when I'm stressed. So I'm thinking college will include buckets of tears. For that reason, I don't want to go too far for college. I need my mom there for me to dump my anger on. Trust me, no one else in this world will stand with me besides my mom. I can safely say that because I lashed out on my brother and were definitely on shakey ground now.
What the hell happened to me though? Even Eliza agreed that I wasn't this mean before. My mom asked me before if I wanted to go see a shrink. Honestly, I thought about saying yes, out of impulse of course, but now I'm kind of wishing that I did. I need some answers. I feel so unworthy and undeserving after the anger fades away.
I'm sure anger is a defense mechanism of some sort and I think I'm wearing it out.
My mom was on the phone, and I wanted her to get off to help me clean my room, so I raised my voice at her afterwards for "slowing down" the cleaning process. WTF? I don't even know why I did it. Was it a big deal? No! It was completely unneccessary especially since I have no justification for being angry today. There's no school and stress is at a moderate level.
In middle school, I got SO many more phonecalls, texts, and all that crap ON my birthday. I LOVED it back then. I hated it starting about last year, but now that it's gone, I really do miss it. I got less than 10 birthday phonecalls/wishes today, so it was kinda -_- But on the bright side, all the right people called, so I'm torn between feeling like a loser and feeling loved. haha -_-
A depressing note though. So I call CJ and I ask her where we were eating tonight. She tells me to decide and I tell her that I want to go to that Burma Superstar place down on Clement. I told her that I wanted to try it ever since Gary told me it was one of his favorite restaurants. She says, okay, but as long as there's duck. I asked her, "how am I supposed to know if they have duck!" She tells me to call Gary and find out because we're not going to a place without duck... Okay, so I feel pretty good, and decide to call Gary. BAM
Totally got shot down after that. Here's what happened:
Hey Gary
Who's this?
Anna
Anna who?
OMG you don't have my number on your phone? Anna Tran!
Anna...? *hesistates* Ohh
I have a question.. CJ wants to know if that Burmese place on Clement has duck.
Yeah it does.
Okay, thanks bye!
It's SO ironic. As I was laying in bed, I thought to myself, hm.. I wonder if so and so remembered it was my birthday today.. I immediately thought of Gary because his name is written on one of my old binders from 8th grade. I decided that he didn't and that it's okay since our friendship is pretty much dead anyway. But you know why it hurt? I don't think he remembered who I was for a few seconds. I continued to stay in bed and I thought about the future. I imagined a future where his ass would need me for some reason and I would be able to use these past three years of silence against him. I imagined that he would be a pathetic ass that's living with his parents when he's 30.
Old wounds still have scars.
I appreciate the three people that wrote me cards. I don't really do cards myself anymore, but I love them because people usually bring up old funny memories in the cards. Karen even threw in a metaphor for our friendships sorta. That was heartwarming and kinda funny at the same time. Connie made me this tight ass card with a rainbow and bees and she wrote about the time we were trying to walk down my hill and were laughing so hard that we thought we were going to slip and roll down. Kristen didn't call me today. wth?! Leslie Cheung gave me a card, too. <3>So uh yeah I don't think I'll be doing anything for him this year. He always bitched to me about his birthdays, and he doesn't even have the decency to call me. Nevermind, he left me a myspace comment. :) :) <3 I was mad then. -_-
You know who else didn't call? Leslie. Dang what is this? I need to get a life and forget about people not calling me. Okay done.
I am a bitter person that can now legally watch R rated movies without adult supervision. haha
I'm delirious, as usual
I've been really angry this year, I'm sure everyone knows that by now. It's strange because everything about this year is a blur to me. The routine is basically stres out, get pissed, finally do the shit that needs to get done, go to sleep, go to school, and come home to repeat the same process. I'm giving it a negative spin because I'm in a negative kinda mood, so yeah. But my point is that I don't remember how I FEEL except angry, and I'm just using angry as an arbitrary word to describe all the crap I've felt this year.
How do people type pages of stuff in their journals? I used to do it! Maybe that's why I feel like there's nothing to say; there's nothing new to say.
I don't like it when my friends make fun of me about being a nerd. I know they don't mean anything when they say it, but it just reminds me how much I'm giving up to achieve academic success.
Life or schoo. Why does it have to be one or the other?
I'll answer that for you. Because I'm inadequate. Anyone can spend all their time on ONE thing and do well in that aspect, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Busting my ass off in school and letting my life skills degenerate. I didn't think it was possible to degress as a person, but I honestly think that I have.
My people skills are crazy. I don't hesistate to show people that they're annoying me as much as I used to. Aditi asked me for a Icebreaker before US, and because EVERYONE asked me that day, I flung the container at her and said I'm stressed out and I need to concentrate on whatever it was that I was doing at the time. The next day, she asked me if I was okay. Great. I gave her a reason to be moderately concerned about me. But even worse, I gave her a reason to label me based on a stupid impulse.
I cry when I'm stressed. So I'm thinking college will include buckets of tears. For that reason, I don't want to go too far for college. I need my mom there for me to dump my anger on. Trust me, no one else in this world will stand with me besides my mom. I can safely say that because I lashed out on my brother and were definitely on shakey ground now.
What the hell happened to me though? Even Eliza agreed that I wasn't this mean before. My mom asked me before if I wanted to go see a shrink. Honestly, I thought about saying yes, out of impulse of course, but now I'm kind of wishing that I did. I need some answers. I feel so unworthy and undeserving after the anger fades away.
I'm sure anger is a defense mechanism of some sort and I think I'm wearing it out.
My mom was on the phone, and I wanted her to get off to help me clean my room, so I raised my voice at her afterwards for "slowing down" the cleaning process. WTF? I don't even know why I did it. Was it a big deal? No! It was completely unneccessary especially since I have no justification for being angry today. There's no school and stress is at a moderate level.
In middle school, I got SO many more phonecalls, texts, and all that crap ON my birthday. I LOVED it back then. I hated it starting about last year, but now that it's gone, I really do miss it. I got less than 10 birthday phonecalls/wishes today, so it was kinda -_- But on the bright side, all the right people called, so I'm torn between feeling like a loser and feeling loved. haha -_-
A depressing note though. So I call CJ and I ask her where we were eating tonight. She tells me to decide and I tell her that I want to go to that Burma Superstar place down on Clement. I told her that I wanted to try it ever since Gary told me it was one of his favorite restaurants. She says, okay, but as long as there's duck. I asked her, "how am I supposed to know if they have duck!" She tells me to call Gary and find out because we're not going to a place without duck... Okay, so I feel pretty good, and decide to call Gary. BAM
Totally got shot down after that. Here's what happened:
Hey Gary
Who's this?
Anna
Anna who?
OMG you don't have my number on your phone? Anna Tran!
Anna...? *hesistates* Ohh
I have a question.. CJ wants to know if that Burmese place on Clement has duck.
Yeah it does.
Okay, thanks bye!
It's SO ironic. As I was laying in bed, I thought to myself, hm.. I wonder if so and so remembered it was my birthday today.. I immediately thought of Gary because his name is written on one of my old binders from 8th grade. I decided that he didn't and that it's okay since our friendship is pretty much dead anyway. But you know why it hurt? I don't think he remembered who I was for a few seconds. I continued to stay in bed and I thought about the future. I imagined a future where his ass would need me for some reason and I would be able to use these past three years of silence against him. I imagined that he would be a pathetic ass that's living with his parents when he's 30.
Old wounds still have scars.
I appreciate the three people that wrote me cards. I don't really do cards myself anymore, but I love them because people usually bring up old funny memories in the cards. Karen even threw in a metaphor for our friendships sorta. That was heartwarming and kinda funny at the same time. Connie made me this tight ass card with a rainbow and bees and she wrote about the time we were trying to walk down my hill and were laughing so hard that we thought we were going to slip and roll down. Kristen didn't call me today. wth?! Leslie Cheung gave me a card, too. <3>So uh yeah I don't think I'll be doing anything for him this year. He always bitched to me about his birthdays, and he doesn't even have the decency to call me. Nevermind, he left me a myspace comment. :) :) <3 I was mad then. -_-You know who else didn't call? Leslie. Dang what is this? I need to get a life and forget about people not calling me. Okay done.
I am a bitter person that can now legally watch R rated movies without adult supervision. haha
I'm delirious, as usual
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