Brain mush: randomly spewing meaningless thoughts
I honestly think that my brain is rotting. I worked my ass off this past school year and let myself crash afterwards. Actually, it's not an uncommon trend in my life. I'm obsessive, then I lose interest abruptly. I clean my room until the early AMs, and then I let myself mess it up in a few short weeks. I drink coffee and other caffeinated beverages to be at the top of my game, and then I crash when the work is completed, allowing no time for anything else in life. I want to come up with a phrase to describe what I do.. Manic-crasher? haha.
I've been a prisoner of my own lethargic tendencies for the past three days, so I've had a lot of time to think. What have I been mulling over? I'll break it down so each part has a category.
1. Molding
After watching season two of Grey's Anatomy, I fell in love with a temp character named Denny Duquette. As I eagerly watched episode after episode, I failed to realize that every other person on the planet probably loves Denny, too. After speeding through Season two during the AMs, I went back and re-watched the season. I re-listened to some of the more dramatic scenes and reevaluated a few of the characters. Then I, like the obsessive person I am, went on the ABC website and read Shona Rhimes's, the creator of Grey's Anatomy, blog about the writing and filming process of each episode. Then it hit me. Denny's character is fictional. His character was written for the sole purpose of making the audience melt. Afterwards, I felt sort of cheated. I wasn't special. I didn't see something in Denny that no one else did. So I realized that I'm the type of person that falls into the traps of the brilliant writers of TV dramas. I'm incredibly impressionable and naive, but I can't tell if that really bothers me at this very moment. I loved Denny because he's the perfect man- rugged, good looking, charming, and a softy at heart. In a sense, I feel more connected to the world because all the other people who love Denny probably also love him for the same reasons.
2. Friends
Whenever I have time to think, I mentally reevaluate my friends. It's really awful because I know I only do it when I have nothing better to do. So I pick and pick at the should-haves, would-haves, and everything bad about their personalities. Why do I let friendships slow down? Why do they let the friendships slow down? Why don't we both put in the equal effort to maintain a strong friendship? We always take things for granted. But knowing all this doesn't make me want to do anything to change it. Hypocritical
3. The Future
I'm terrified of it. But all I really want is to fall in love, have kids, and support my family. I don't have any professional goals. When I have kids, I want to help them find something they're good at that they love, so that they can have a future in something they love doing. gah.
4. The Present
I am lazy. I am a recluse. I'm a slovenly piece of crap who is allowing her brain to rot. I should read so I can speak like a normal human being. I have fewer accessible words in my arsenal. My syntax is crap. Oh god, I need to get out of the house and into the library to do some work. I always say that.. And then I push it off to the next week. Yeah, I'll start next week. pfft.
5. Money
Make money to spend it. Sadly, I don't work, so I don't have anything to spend. But I want to spend. I want to buy clothes. If I had more money, I'd invest in girly clothes and some more flats because uh helllllooooooo I like them. I want a bag. I need a bag. I want more shoes. I need money to keep from being bored.
6. Kids
Okay, I'm still a kid, but I'm an older kid, so I feel like I can talk about the younger kids. Bad justification, yeah. Kids these days are spoiled. The average kid is anyway. Why does my cousin has a Gucci bag? She's only 15. And I think she said she got the bag a while ago, so it's not like she's.. WHAT THE HECK? I was spoiled, too. I only now see the problem with being spoiled young. Nevertheless, I'm less spoiled than a lot of kids these days, and it just bugs me. Rich people bug me, too, but eh iono. Completely lost my train of thought. Oh well
This was the longest most remotely substantial entry I've written all summer. I deserve pie for this even if it is crap.
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addendum 1:44 am
Did I ever mention that I'm afraid of sleeping without falling asleep to something? It's contradictory since I need quiet when I sleep, but I'm sort of afraid to sleep without watching something. Like I like to fall asleep to the sound of Friends (the tv sitcom). Sometimes I can't fall asleep to it, but I like to do it so that I don't think about anything before I sleep. I'm still a firm believer that I'm my own worse enemy and it just so happens that I think and analyze the most right before I sleep, which is why I like having a distraction. It's such a waste of electricity. But dude, I can't sleep with music because that has repetitive beats. I can only sleep to dialogue that I know so well that I can probably repeat the scenes in my sleep. Okay random and my hand hurts from the rapid typing. It took two minutes to type this.
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addendum 3:41 am
Can't sleep. WTF. Total insomnia. But I'm not worried about anything. This doesn't make sense. I'm hungry. Should I eat? Eat then sleep?
Happy Birthday Cindy Lin!
I've been a prisoner of my own lethargic tendencies for the past three days, so I've had a lot of time to think. What have I been mulling over? I'll break it down so each part has a category.
1. Molding
After watching season two of Grey's Anatomy, I fell in love with a temp character named Denny Duquette. As I eagerly watched episode after episode, I failed to realize that every other person on the planet probably loves Denny, too. After speeding through Season two during the AMs, I went back and re-watched the season. I re-listened to some of the more dramatic scenes and reevaluated a few of the characters. Then I, like the obsessive person I am, went on the ABC website and read Shona Rhimes's, the creator of Grey's Anatomy, blog about the writing and filming process of each episode. Then it hit me. Denny's character is fictional. His character was written for the sole purpose of making the audience melt. Afterwards, I felt sort of cheated. I wasn't special. I didn't see something in Denny that no one else did. So I realized that I'm the type of person that falls into the traps of the brilliant writers of TV dramas. I'm incredibly impressionable and naive, but I can't tell if that really bothers me at this very moment. I loved Denny because he's the perfect man- rugged, good looking, charming, and a softy at heart. In a sense, I feel more connected to the world because all the other people who love Denny probably also love him for the same reasons.
2. Friends
Whenever I have time to think, I mentally reevaluate my friends. It's really awful because I know I only do it when I have nothing better to do. So I pick and pick at the should-haves, would-haves, and everything bad about their personalities. Why do I let friendships slow down? Why do they let the friendships slow down? Why don't we both put in the equal effort to maintain a strong friendship? We always take things for granted. But knowing all this doesn't make me want to do anything to change it. Hypocritical
3. The Future
I'm terrified of it. But all I really want is to fall in love, have kids, and support my family. I don't have any professional goals. When I have kids, I want to help them find something they're good at that they love, so that they can have a future in something they love doing. gah.
4. The Present
I am lazy. I am a recluse. I'm a slovenly piece of crap who is allowing her brain to rot. I should read so I can speak like a normal human being. I have fewer accessible words in my arsenal. My syntax is crap. Oh god, I need to get out of the house and into the library to do some work. I always say that.. And then I push it off to the next week. Yeah, I'll start next week. pfft.
5. Money
Make money to spend it. Sadly, I don't work, so I don't have anything to spend. But I want to spend. I want to buy clothes. If I had more money, I'd invest in girly clothes and some more flats because uh helllllooooooo I like them. I want a bag. I need a bag. I want more shoes. I need money to keep from being bored.
6. Kids
Okay, I'm still a kid, but I'm an older kid, so I feel like I can talk about the younger kids. Bad justification, yeah. Kids these days are spoiled. The average kid is anyway. Why does my cousin has a Gucci bag? She's only 15. And I think she said she got the bag a while ago, so it's not like she's.. WHAT THE HECK? I was spoiled, too. I only now see the problem with being spoiled young. Nevertheless, I'm less spoiled than a lot of kids these days, and it just bugs me. Rich people bug me, too, but eh iono. Completely lost my train of thought. Oh well
This was the longest most remotely substantial entry I've written all summer. I deserve pie for this even if it is crap.
-------------------------------
addendum 1:44 am
Did I ever mention that I'm afraid of sleeping without falling asleep to something? It's contradictory since I need quiet when I sleep, but I'm sort of afraid to sleep without watching something. Like I like to fall asleep to the sound of Friends (the tv sitcom). Sometimes I can't fall asleep to it, but I like to do it so that I don't think about anything before I sleep. I'm still a firm believer that I'm my own worse enemy and it just so happens that I think and analyze the most right before I sleep, which is why I like having a distraction. It's such a waste of electricity. But dude, I can't sleep with music because that has repetitive beats. I can only sleep to dialogue that I know so well that I can probably repeat the scenes in my sleep. Okay random and my hand hurts from the rapid typing. It took two minutes to type this.
-------------------------------
addendum 3:41 am
Can't sleep. WTF. Total insomnia. But I'm not worried about anything. This doesn't make sense. I'm hungry. Should I eat? Eat then sleep?
Happy Birthday Cindy Lin!
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