It's so depressing to sign on AIM these days. I go online, talk to one person, the conversation ends in less than 15 minutes, and then I sit there thinking about whether or not I should try to talk to someone else. I usually end up signing off and sitting in front of the computer trying to think of something else to do while procrastinating.

A lot of stuff has been making me feel the closest thing to depression without actually feeling chronically unhappy, if that even makes sense. I prefer things to be at extremes sometimes and this is one of those times. I'd rather be incredibly stressed out and motivated to reach some goal rather than coming up short or mediocre in a bunch of hard classes. I lack the motivation I had in junior year because I don't feel incredibly stressed out.

I'm totally in limbo with everything in life. Not much to complain about, but that's precisely the problem; I don't really like feeling mildly content.

Honestly, when it comes to college, I feel like it's a waste for me to only apply to UCs. I almost feel like I deserve better, or the chance to do better. And if I was really really given the choice, I would end up choosing a UC anyway, so having the freedom would just give me peace of mind. I promise myself that I will not be an Asian parent who pushes their kids to UCs; I will encourage them to check out schools everywhere and go with them to figure out college stuff. When it comes down to it though, I don't know if I'd want to let go of my kids.

I'm really struggling with stuff because I can't talk to my friends about EVERYTHING because EVERYTHING always involves them. No matter how pathetic a blog is, it's one of the things that has kept me sane these past four years or so. Knowing that someone you know may read this and that there are other people that might read this thing makes me feel like I'm bitching to someone rather than a notebook while still being relatively discrete about what I'm talking about. Part of the reason I keep this thing alive is because I want something to look back on in the future, but also because it gives me immediate relief. When you think outload with your fingertips, it's less suffocating than thinking within the limits of your immediate shortterm memory capacity.

I want my hair to grow back out so I can tie it up again without using hella pins. Damn it.

Today, I wanted to avoid my Gov't class so badly that I told myself I would go to the nurse and pretend to be sick and go home. But the nurse had a long line of people waiting to see her, so I sulked back up towards the classroom. I felt so freaking sick while walking to class and during class. Total psychosomatic shit man. I couldn't open my jaw without resistance at the beginning of class and I just couldn't pay attention to my teacher. I know hate is a strong word, but I hate the idea of being in that class. During class, it's okay because I guess I'm learning, but damn it, I like Calculus more than that class! wtf?

I'm tired of doing my work and getting mediocre scores!!!! I didn't consistently do work for any classes except APUSH and Psych last year and it was much easier to get As. ARGH as;dflkjasl;kfdj. I hate the weekend and having to wake up to go to Chinese School.

I guess I can always find something to complain about.