Random Thoughts #2
Today was such an awkward day for me. I discovered that I got my period right before Schwarz's class but I had no pad with me. It was less than four minutes before class, so I didn't know what to do. I would never miss a Schwarz lecture as long as I'm healthy enough to be AT school that day, so I lined my underwear with toilet paper and prayed that I wouldn't leak through my pants. Turns out, I didn't. But somehow, I completely forget about finding a pad until after my next class, Chinese. It was such a stupid mistake because I know so many girls in that class! So during the beginning of my math class, I run around the school asking people if they had a pad. I finally see Karen on the catwalk selling buttons and she had a pad (thank God)! I felt kind of on the spot the whole time for some reason. Maybe it's a hormonal thing, but I felt really insecure today.
On a slightly brighter note, I got a 6 on the APUSH FRQ I took a couple of weeks ago. :) Thank you Karen Li for letting me study your notes to study that day. I got lucky, but I don't know if I'll be that lucky next time around. BLAH!
Yesterday, aftering taking that picture of my white out and pen, the pen ran out of ink. I was devasted. That Bic pen was the only reason I could manage to take notes in classes this week. WTF I'm really angry that I can't even type a coherent sentence. I'm so tired right now that I can't even think straight. I need more time.
I really think that I've become a big ass loser. Schwarz passed back a quiz we took last week and on it he wrote, "Oh, I don't know: your personality is more distinct than many of my students-- that's a good thing." Why did that make me smile? How pathetic is that? Am I that desperate for my teachers to like me? Why do we all want to be liked? It must be an innate characteristic of humans... Many of the highlights of my days involve APUSH. o_O;; I know it sounds crazy, but when Schwarz is happy, I think more of his students are happy. I guess the reasoning behind that is that his class is more enjoyable when he's not angry with us. When he's not screaming at us, we don't feel bad about ourselves. When he laughs at our jokes, it means that he doesn't hate us. The same goes for Mrs. Ong. I love it when she smiles because it's pretty rare to see her break away from her professional demeaner. I laugh at teachers jokes not to suck up, but for some reason, I just laugh really loud at teacher's jokes! Whenever Mr. Hathwell says something that's supposed to be funny, I'm the only one at GSA that ever bursts into laughter! Am I the only one that understands his sarcastic humor, or is he really just not funny? If he's really just not funny, does that mean that I'm a lame ass for laughing? A lot of my emotions are controlled by school. My happiness depends mainly on my grades and how much fun each class lecture is. I find the least happiness in math because it's one of the less interative subjects in school. I need to feel like the teacher is making a connection with the class in order to truly enjoy the class.
I really hate physics. Physics is confusing. Physics is especially boring as your second class of the day. Physics in Cooley's class is not fun. But I'm sure physics in all classes is not fun. I don't know why I took physics.
I'm wasting a lot of time right now because I know I should be doing homework or memorizing the 43 presidents, their years in office, and their political parties. I'm so screwed, yet I continue to type in here.
I've realized that I don't have friends that I hang out with at school. Every single relationship I have at Lowell is related to a school activity somehow. Thinking about that just makes me sad. I can't seem to build a relationship with anyone based on anything else. I need more people to have the same lunch mods as me. It's really sad to sit there with people that don't talk to you. Yeah it's pretty sad to not have friends. How come I JUST realized the importance of friends this year? I never seemed to mind being a loner at school last year or the year before that! It was comforting enough to know that I have great friends outside of school. Maybe it's because I don't have the opportunity to see any of those friends anymore. I feel as though I'm losing in both situations. The number of friends that I see at school is near zilch and the friends that I see outside of school is also near zilch since I dont have time to go out anymore. I know I chose sleep a lot of the time, but I really do need the sleep. So all this sacrifice that I have to make for school is making me really miserable. I'm tired of constantly having responsibilities, and I'm tired of putting everything after schoolwork.
Do you understand how it feels to not have time to eat? My stomach growls constantly throughout the day, but I can't spare the time to feed it until I get picked up from school. How sad. I think I lost a few pounds this week. My jeans fit a little looser. hah. It's probably just my imagination, but I really am eating a lot less. I'm ashamed to say that I ate one meal each day so far in this week. I only eat the lunch that my mom packs me. I eat parts of it throughout the day, and then I eat the rest of it when I'm coming home from school. By the time I get home from school it's about 5 pm. If I eat my lunch at that time, my stomach is full.. so it's technically my dinner. Because I would be too full to eat my actual dinner, I don't eat it. Then when I finally get hungry again, its like 10 and I can't eat right before normal people go to sleep! So I dont eat until the next morning... But what time do I eat in the morning? I probably don't eat until 8:30 a the earliest. ARGH I'm harming my own body for school. fuck that. ARGHHHHHhhhhf;alskjdflaksjfaskljfd
I feel nauseated all the time. One of my teachers thinks that I look pale all the time.
DIE PPIE PIE PIEPIEPIE
the end.
On a slightly brighter note, I got a 6 on the APUSH FRQ I took a couple of weeks ago. :) Thank you Karen Li for letting me study your notes to study that day. I got lucky, but I don't know if I'll be that lucky next time around. BLAH!
Yesterday, aftering taking that picture of my white out and pen, the pen ran out of ink. I was devasted. That Bic pen was the only reason I could manage to take notes in classes this week. WTF I'm really angry that I can't even type a coherent sentence. I'm so tired right now that I can't even think straight. I need more time.
I really think that I've become a big ass loser. Schwarz passed back a quiz we took last week and on it he wrote, "Oh, I don't know: your personality is more distinct than many of my students-- that's a good thing." Why did that make me smile? How pathetic is that? Am I that desperate for my teachers to like me? Why do we all want to be liked? It must be an innate characteristic of humans... Many of the highlights of my days involve APUSH. o_O;; I know it sounds crazy, but when Schwarz is happy, I think more of his students are happy. I guess the reasoning behind that is that his class is more enjoyable when he's not angry with us. When he's not screaming at us, we don't feel bad about ourselves. When he laughs at our jokes, it means that he doesn't hate us. The same goes for Mrs. Ong. I love it when she smiles because it's pretty rare to see her break away from her professional demeaner. I laugh at teachers jokes not to suck up, but for some reason, I just laugh really loud at teacher's jokes! Whenever Mr. Hathwell says something that's supposed to be funny, I'm the only one at GSA that ever bursts into laughter! Am I the only one that understands his sarcastic humor, or is he really just not funny? If he's really just not funny, does that mean that I'm a lame ass for laughing? A lot of my emotions are controlled by school. My happiness depends mainly on my grades and how much fun each class lecture is. I find the least happiness in math because it's one of the less interative subjects in school. I need to feel like the teacher is making a connection with the class in order to truly enjoy the class.
I really hate physics. Physics is confusing. Physics is especially boring as your second class of the day. Physics in Cooley's class is not fun. But I'm sure physics in all classes is not fun. I don't know why I took physics.
I'm wasting a lot of time right now because I know I should be doing homework or memorizing the 43 presidents, their years in office, and their political parties. I'm so screwed, yet I continue to type in here.
I've realized that I don't have friends that I hang out with at school. Every single relationship I have at Lowell is related to a school activity somehow. Thinking about that just makes me sad. I can't seem to build a relationship with anyone based on anything else. I need more people to have the same lunch mods as me. It's really sad to sit there with people that don't talk to you. Yeah it's pretty sad to not have friends. How come I JUST realized the importance of friends this year? I never seemed to mind being a loner at school last year or the year before that! It was comforting enough to know that I have great friends outside of school. Maybe it's because I don't have the opportunity to see any of those friends anymore. I feel as though I'm losing in both situations. The number of friends that I see at school is near zilch and the friends that I see outside of school is also near zilch since I dont have time to go out anymore. I know I chose sleep a lot of the time, but I really do need the sleep. So all this sacrifice that I have to make for school is making me really miserable. I'm tired of constantly having responsibilities, and I'm tired of putting everything after schoolwork.
Do you understand how it feels to not have time to eat? My stomach growls constantly throughout the day, but I can't spare the time to feed it until I get picked up from school. How sad. I think I lost a few pounds this week. My jeans fit a little looser. hah. It's probably just my imagination, but I really am eating a lot less. I'm ashamed to say that I ate one meal each day so far in this week. I only eat the lunch that my mom packs me. I eat parts of it throughout the day, and then I eat the rest of it when I'm coming home from school. By the time I get home from school it's about 5 pm. If I eat my lunch at that time, my stomach is full.. so it's technically my dinner. Because I would be too full to eat my actual dinner, I don't eat it. Then when I finally get hungry again, its like 10 and I can't eat right before normal people go to sleep! So I dont eat until the next morning... But what time do I eat in the morning? I probably don't eat until 8:30 a the earliest. ARGH I'm harming my own body for school. fuck that. ARGHHHHHhhhhf;alskjdflaksjfaskljfd
I feel nauseated all the time. One of my teachers thinks that I look pale all the time.
DIE PPIE PIE PIEPIEPIE
the end.
1 Comments:
I prefer papermates. The writing is so smooth :)
I think wanting to be liked has something to do with being alone, but I don't have time to get into that.
I'm supposed to be doing homework right now too BUT YOU'RE WORTH IT ANNER TRAN. I plan on writing an entry after this too.
And I too am nauseated all the time. But my skintone is pretty normal. Get some sun Anner.
<3
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