It's one of those really pathetic days where I feel the need to blog more than once in order to stop feeling all ansy and weak. I don't know why I insist that I'm always okay to everyone when I'm not really. Am I lying to other people, or I'm coincidentally ALWAYS feeling content when someone asks me. There are so many days when I just want to throw things or break things. I have a thing about throwing phones. I've thrown many many phones in the past during my moments of anger, but I haven't lately. Okay well I threw my cell phone once in the summer, but thankgod for carpeting. Should have dropped AP Chinese and enjoyed a nice easy 3 AP course load. But no, my stupid ass ego and not wanting to give up. It really sucks to be in AP Chinese when there are SO many native speakers around me. I'm not doing particularly well in the class. I'm not shining like I used to back in 1st to 3rd years of Chinese. My hair was SO much cuter during the middle of July than it is now. I'm really annoyed of the semi long hair that doesn't tie up and is too long to look cute. I just need a day off man. Seriously. A day where I don't have to think about school. I'd be a happy camper. So many tests this week, shit. SO MANY. I hate when the grading period ends because teachers always try to cram in a lot of work to make up for the lack of work we had in the beginning of the school year. HELLO? Balance the workload for us and yourselfs since you need to grade a shitload before the marking period ends, bitches. I resent my Chinese partner because I have more lines than her. She has a strong personality like me and obviously wants things done her way like me, so I chose not to argue with her about having more lines than her. But this isn't like some unjustifed resentment here. I assure you that I have at least twice as many lines and gestures that she does. She's also lying when she says she thinks that I would do my part better than her and that's why I'm doing that part. But I don't hate her or anything, she's a decent person. I just resent her.

You know, everyone hates hypocrits. I hate hypocrits, but it's even worse when you're a hypocrit that is OBVIOUSLY being hypocritical. People are all hypocritical to some degree without balantly showing their hypocricy, but DAMN some people just say one thing, and then call me bitching about how they did something they were against. That's WEAKNESS. Don't talk to me about how strongly you feel about something and then go and do it and then call me telling me that you failed yourself by going back on your beliefs. And don't do shit like that especially when it interferes with crap like school and then wind up asking others for help.

I bought 11 white outs on Saturday. I was going to go back to buy more, but I was too lazy to. All I really want is to fucking end school and all the pressure. I take what I said back; I don't want to learn all my life, I don't want to go to school all my life when there is so much pressure that accompanies the learning process. None of it is worth it to feel this aggrevated all the fucking time. I was so much happier over the summer. I can actually feel the difference when I never felt it ever before. This summer gave me clarity. I fucking hate what school does to me. When school is in session, I'm always in conflict within myself. That's what the feeling is. It's the conflict of when you're doing something and you know you should be doing something else. Guilt from not doing what you're supposed to do. I'm tired and I should sleep if I can't study, but the minute I fall into my bed, I'll toss and turn until I decide that I can't take the anxiety anymore and try to fucking do my homework in exhaustion. Angst-ridden teen? Yeah I am, except I'm getting closer to the age where I should be an adult. So honestly, I think I'll be feeling this angst all my life.

the end.