There's no turning back

"two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

I read that bit from Robert Frost's poem in my friend's profile a couple of weeks ago, and remembered what that poem really meant.

Such a pessimistic poem... It's about all the things in life you miss out on because you choose a particular path in life. It's so painfully ironic how accurately that poem reflects the main thing that has been bothering me for half a year or so.

You choose a path, and that's the way it is. You can choose to either abandon that path and roam along another trail, or stubbornly keep at it, telling yourself that everything will be okay in the end.

You choose a path practically every second of your life. You don't think about it because, most of the time, the decision is insignificant, merely a small detour in your destined path anyway.

Life isn't shit. I'm not facing any important dilemmas, but I am feeling more lost than ever before. A whole new future lies before me, and I think it's unfair that who I am now, isn't the person I want to face the future. I'm a person who obsesses about details, and right now, there are so many small mistakes that essentially represent my existance.

For the most part, also considering my well-being in the distant future, I'm content with the decisions I've made up to this point. Small regrets lie here and there behind me, but the things that are really preventing me from feeling satisfied with myself are the things that once were.

Nothing lasts forever, and that's what makes life so special. But the fact that nothing lasts forever also applies to every single thing in my life. There's no real security. The things that I thought were secure are actually probably the most delicately volitle.

If there's anything I've learned in the last three years and some months of high school, it's that happiness is a delicate balance that I fucking failed to achieve. Excess is never good, nor is it ever rewarded. But would I feel this way if all my time and dedication towards one goal was worth it because that goal was completely fulfilled? I can't tell because it was never good enough.

There's a big part of me that strives to learn and constantly build on my foundation of knowledge. But there's other sides to me. I've only shown to my acquaintences that I can work hard, study, blah blah and whatever, but that's it. Because the other aspects of my personality were hidden for so long, I honestly feel like I've lost them.

What the hell happened to common ground? I don't have common ground with anyone anymore. I wish my brothers weren't so much older than me because at least I can fall back on family when I need to right?

There's just no more stability anymore. I don't have stability even with the things I can control, like eating, sleeping, feeling, etc... There's no sure thing. There's no sure thing. How fucking scary is that? It's not even school; it's not even friends; it's every fucking thing in my life.

I hate being home because all my confusion translates into anger and I lash out at my family. Also, being at home just adds to my worries. I don't need that shit, but what the hell can I do? Run away from it? No, I face things head on when I know it's right.

I hope that the decisions I've made in the last three and a half years were the right ones. I hope that even though it feels unrewarding now, it will pay off in the end. Yeah, I've made the right choices... Because if I wasn't feeling unsatisfied from time to time, I would be feeling guilt and that's much worse than temporary unhappiness that only affects me and no one else.

YOu know why I think it's hard for me? Because I have so many people to face after the fact of. I have three brothers, two parents, and a grandma to face after everything I do at the end of the day. So many expecattions to live up to, so many opinions to influence my decisions. You just don't get it unless you're in my shoes I guess. Am I supposed to feel alone because of that? I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. Did you catch that? SUPPOSED TO. Shit, I didn't even realize until now how much outside influence goes into every damn thing I do. I worry about what I'm supposed to do rather than what I want to do. But shit, it's not all about me. It will never be all about me when I get a job, when I get married, whenever. It will always, always be about someone else. It must be the way I prioritize. I'm not as selfless as I used to be. Why? I don't know... I think that there are less people who I think are deserving enough to get my concern. I don't give a shit about a lot of people anymore. Less compassion, maybe...

I chose a path. I'm not turning back now. I'll live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

I'm going to have a great relationship with my parents before I move out. There, I set a new destination for myself on my path. I'm in control.