Reflecting on the past ten months or so that I've been with G, so much has changed. Just so much... I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I'm just not the same person. I think that I've gone through so much heartbreak and disappointment that there's part of me that is just dead inside. The reason I say that is because I don't feel as shitty as I did the first couple times we thought about breaking up. It's rather unfortunate that humans become desensitized to things so easily, but that's just a fact of life.

To my friends in the past whom I've advised to "just break up with him": I am sorry because now I understand how hard it is.

G and I are on a break I think. I was walking with him yesterday and I was incredibly sad, distraught, depressed, whatever you want to call it. He was obviously affected by how sad I was. I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. And he consented. So he handed me back my key and I walked away. During the walk back to my apartment, I felt so numb. I understood the impact of what just happened, but this kind of shit has happened so often that I was able to hold my tears on the way home. I walked into my room, our sanctuary, and looked at that damn cow plush and broke down in tears. My roommate wasn't home. It was just me. I was free to sob as loudly as I wanted to. So I did that but I just received a barrage of text messages the whole time as I tried to cry myself to sleep. G texts me half an hour after I got back to my apartment saying he didn't mean it and asked if we could talk. He came over after research and we talked. I had nothing to say honestly except sorry for being jealous, paranoid, and so unbearably sad. I guess I really am sorry for those things, but I don't know why I had to apologize for being sad.

G can't handle it when I am really sad. He never does anything to help me. I've been really sad twice so far in our relationship. The first time when my grandma died, and he wanted to break up with me, and this time. I finally realized this trend. I think I have to be happy and perfect for this relationship to work.

Yesterday's conversation was hard to stomach. He can't put me first because he has to get into medical school. He thinks that's the same for me and my future career. He can't be more wrong. I've already screwed up so many of my opportunities because of him, but I don't let it get to me because for some ridiculous, delirious reason, I think it's worth it.

I feel so incapable of functioning right now. Just I need to keep myself so distracted so I don't call him or text him or do something dumb that would push him further away. I wonder if he's thinking as much about me as I am about him.

The intention of this post isn't so much about him and our break or break up or whatever the hell it is I still don't know, but I just want to acknowledge some of my friends.

Ali has been amazing. He took me on a hike to the Big C yesterday and just sat with me for over an hour listening to me talk about G and everything. He even called to check up on me today after my classes. I'm lucky to have people who care about me. I'm really lucky.

Michael talked some sense into me yesterday after Ali walked me back and I was desperate to see or talk to G. He said that when a guy says he just needs time to do his own shit he means it and you should leave him alone. I found out that G wasn't at his apt at 1:30am. I just hope he wasn't at Cindy Li's place. That would really suck. But I was with Ali, so I guess it's fair. Michael told me that it's not about how much I do for G or how much G does for me. In every single relationship there is an imbalance, but hopefully if you're compatible, you balance each other overall. I dunno if that's true. G said once upon a time I made him a better student and a better person in general. That's not true anymore. What happened?

Nothing is fair in love (and war).

Steven's been great too. I'm glad he's there to keep me in check. I love them.

I just want a hug from G